Nov
2014
News Story 1
The school board will vote Monday at 7 pm on junior Jim Stack’s request to grow out his hair for charity.
“I was disappointed when Mrs.King turned my request down,” junior Jim Stack said.
Principal Tonya King denied his request to grow his hair out to approximately 10 inches due to the school’s dress code, stating that a male student’s hair cannot be longer than the collar length, in order to donate it to a non-profit group Locks of Love, that takes wigs and gives them to children who lost their hair to a cancerous battle.
“We have rules for a reason and we just can’t go breaking them anytime we want,” Principal Tonya King said.
King said that she couldn’t allow one student to break the rules because it would cause complete chaos in the school. She suggested Stack take a different approach to help Locks of Love.
“Mrs.King said I should have a fundraiser instead,” junior Jim Stack said. “Anyone can donate money, but it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”
Locks of Love President Gisel Roco, said that many people donate to the organization and that they’re in need of hair as they turn down 150 out of the 200 applicants who request for wigs.
“The wig made all the difference in the world to Jasmine, our daughter,” Holly Stack, mother of Jim and Jasmine Stack said.
From reports from her mother, Jasmine was embarrassed to leave the house when she lost her hair and was depressed. Jasmine “came alive” when she got her wig and two months later received a clean bill of health.
“I can’t comment on this issue,” School Board president Bill Valdez said. According to Valdez, he was relieved from being a close family friend but replied no comment on the subject of Stack’s request.
“He was so upset when his sister was diagnosed with cancer,” Student Council President Gilbert Castillo said. “He told me he felt hopeless throughout the whole ordeal. He didn’t think there was any way to help. Now, he can.” Castillo said.
Stack’s became supported by the student council wrote a letter to the school board in support of him with signatures of 350 students and students willing to grow their hair out, 78 out of 150 being males, for Locks of Love.
“Rules were made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.” Castillo said.
jwallace
November 14, 2014 at 3:14 pm (9 years ago)Nice transitions, along with quote choices, and everything flowed very well. The sentence “Holly Stack, mother of Jim and Jasmine Stack’s mother said,” should just read, “Holy Stack, mother of Jim and Jasmine Stack said.” Lead somewhat choppy.
davisb
November 14, 2014 at 3:15 pm (9 years ago)You did a great job for the first time.
The three thing that I see that need improvement are:
1. Your lead needs to be more concise and to the point. It should read something like this instead of the way your wrote it. “The school board will vote Monday at 7pm on junior Jim Stack’s request to grow out his hair for charity.”
2. In your transition that reads “He was relieved when he heard of Jasmine’s recovery,” you need to make sure that this is factual. When you say he is relieved, that is an opinion. If you say “According to Valdez, he was relieved” then you are giving correct attribution. You may only do this one in a story, so use it wisely. Your transitions need to have more actual facts, you are using too much “said” in transitions.
3. In your quote where you use “…” don’t. It should be this “he told me he felt hopeless throughout the whole ordeal. He didn’t think there was any way to help. Now, he can.”
You did many things correctly.
1. All of your attribution is correct.
2. I like your ending quote and the order of your story.
3. You have all of the information. I would understand what is happening even if I did not know the prompt.
Matthew
November 14, 2014 at 3:21 pm (9 years ago)Your lead was kind of choppy, and your first transition was choppy as well. There were grammatical errors in a few of your transitions.
However, I liked the link between the rest of your transitions and your quotes. The explanations were explained well and you followed your attribution rules.
Good work!